The rumination of estrangement: Calm the mind for peace

Recently, I sent out one of my newsletters and immediately began receiving replies about the links. Subscribers were getting “site not secure” messages whenever they clicked through.

Uh-oh. What’d I do wrong?

Embarrassed, I felt a flush of heat on my face and reminded myself what was happening in my brain. A short circuit that’s meant for emergencies had shifted me into high gear. Parents of estranged adult children know this reaction well—the rumination of estrangement can hijack your thoughts in an instant. The looping of worry, guilt, or  “what did I do wrong?” thinking deepens distress. I explain this short circuiting more fully in my newest book, Rumination Remedies: A Workbook to Free Your Mind From Worry, Regret, and Racing Thoughts, showing practical ways to calm that emergency surge and think clearly again.

I knew just what to do.

With a calming breath, I closed my laptop, stood, and stretched. I stepped outdoors and was immediately captivated. A gentle wind brushed my skin and sifted through the dried seed pods on the feathery mimosa trees. Those trees are beautiful in every season. They’re bare and strong in winter, bursting with delicate leaves in spring, adorned with pink plumes that attract hummingbirds in summer, and now, in autumn, draped with musical seed pods that clatter softly with every breeze. They’re resilient trees, dropping their seeds generously, which is kind of like how I’m always sending out another newsletter, intending to plant seeds of hope.

Awed by nature, my nervous system reset to a state of calm. The stress of whatever went wrong with those links eased, and my thinking grew clear. I didn’t make a mistake. Those links had worked. I knew because I’d checked and double-checked—same as always.

Back inside I found new emails highlighting the broken links, but also some thank you notes from readers who had clicked right through to the articles and enjoyed them.  (I’m so grateful!). Still, a few more wrote about troubles accessing them. Confounded, I logged into my email service provider’s site and discovered that quite a few readers had unsubscribed entirely. My heart sank a little, but I don’t blame them. Newer subscribers to the newsletter probably thought, wow, already having issues. Something that wasn’t my fault—yet I’d lost their trust.

There’s a sting to being misjudged. Many parents of estranged adults know the feeling all too well—including the rush to self-blame when someone pulls away or assumes the worst. It’s the same sort of reflex I felt over my “broken” links: a quick, anxious reach for fault as a way to explain. But our worth isn’t measured by others’ interpretations. Sometimes, their conclusions simply aren’t accurate.

After a chat with the service provider, I learned the issue derived from what was likely an incompatibility between certain browsers (Safari for sure and perhaps others) and recent updates to a common application used by mine and many websites. I didn’t have the certainty I’d have liked, but it was a “good enough” answer for now—which is one way to manage in the moment the uncertainties of life.

Without spiraling, ruminating, or bowing to an internal storm that would have made things worse, I sent a second email offering an alternative way through to the articles (raw links rather than highlighted titles with links hidden). In hindsight, the entire incident paved the way for more personal interaction with newsletter subscribers—other parents of estranged adult children who are kind, patient, and forgiving. I came away thinking how good so many people are. They’ve likely learned, as I have, that how we react to stressful situations—whether the routine “stuff” of modern life like my technology snafu, or the bigger devastations such as estrangement—shape who we are in the moment and who we become.

How we handle stress changes who we are

I wasn’t surprised to learn of a 20-year longitudinal study that was recently published. ¹ The research followed adults over two decades and found that people who became less reactive to daily stressors, recovered more easily and didn’t dwell, also became more open, agreeable, and emotionally stable with the passage of time. In contrast, people who remained highly reactive tended to grow even more anxious, closed, and withdrawn.

In other words, our personalities aren’t fixed. People can learn to change—for the better. How we learn to manage stress can either help or hurt us. I choose “help” and, over the years, have tried lots of tips and tricks to manage my mind, which is where how we respond to stress begins.

Practices such as mindfulness, self-compassion, finding awe, and cognitive-behavioral techniques ^2,3,4 can reshape how we meet the ever-changing world. For parents caught in the rumination of estrangement—the mental replay of painful conversations, imagined reconciliations, or self-blame—these skills offer a way out. You can teach yourself (and your mind) to pause and choose a more helpful focus. We can’t control an adult child’s decisions or rewrite how they choose to live out their story, but we can intentionally author our inner stories toward peace and meaning.

The brain remains moldable and growing. Neuroplasticity means that even our most negative or habitual thinking patterns can be retrained. Parents of estranged adult children often tell me their mind can be their biggest obstacle to peace. Every time we interrupt a negative thinking loop—with simple, neuroscience-based and body-friendly tools like I teach in Rumination Remedies—we build new neural pathways that make our resilience a little more automatic the next time stress occurs. That’s true even when we add stress through our thinking.

Stepped and steady wins the race

That moment under the mimosa trees with the gentle autumn music of the seed pods reminded me that change arrives in small increments and steady steps. One pause, one choice toward self-compassion, one mindful breath … and the nervous feels safe again. The mind shifts toward curiosity instead of panic. And little by little, a calmer, more resilient you emerges.

Just being aware that how we respond matters makes a difference. Over time, flexibility, openness, and a sense of humor become ingrained. The stress of our everyday lives provides an opportunity to practice the micro-resets that can shape us toward even more resilience.

A reflection for you

The next time something goes wrong—an email glitch, a misunderstanding, a plan that falls through, try this:

1. Notice your first thought. (“It’s my fault,” “This always happens,” etc.)
2. Take a break to pause the inner spiral. Step outside or to a window and stretch. Find an inspiring detail—a strong tree, a bird call, the way the light moves. Meditate on it in a way that helps. (Like how I viewed the mimosa tree seeds.)
3. Gain calm—then act. Return to the problem from steadier ground and with a fresh perspective.

If you’ve read Done With The Crying, you may remember one sequence where raw nerves and fear of rejection had me angry with my husband. A step outside, and a moment with a bird brought my reaction back to calm. It’s another illustration of a simple sequence like those I outline fully in the new workbook. They’re more than stress strategies. They’re personal maintenance and a way of life that helps us to stay teachable, resilient, and open to what’s next—no matter our age or history.

In closing

Neuroplasticity is a wonderful natural way we heal. Being aware of its presence and value lets us work with it more effectively. And as the mentioned research confirms, we can shape our personalities for the better by shaping how we respond to life.

Don’t widen the neural highways of worry and regret so common to the rumination of estrangement. Each time you practice a pause, take a mindful breath, or step outside to reset, you’re choosing to rewire those old pathways toward calm, curiosity, and strength.

Rumination Remedies is filled with simple, science-based practices grounded in everyday life to help you pause and calm your stress response. Each exercise offers space to reflect and discover your own insights as you progress. Experiential learning is powerful and helps the tools become second nature to you—as they have for me.  It’s one more way to make your healing growth intentional as you reclaim your mental space and your life.

Related

Is an inciting incident keeping you stuck?

References

• Chopik, W. J., Rush, J., & Cerino, E. S. (2025). Interrelations Between Daily Stress Processes and Big Five Personality Trait Changes Over 20 Years. Psychology and Aging.
• Ringwald, W. R., et al. (2024). Characterizing Stress Processes by Linking Big Five Traits, Facets, and Personality States. Journal of Personality.
• Goldberg, S. B., et al. (2024). Personality Change Through Mindfulness-Based Interventions: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Clinical Psychological Science.
• Gkintoni, E., et al. (2025). Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy in Clinical Practice. Journal of Clinical Medicine.