Book Review of They Don’t See It But You Do….

 

Book Review of They Don’t See It … But You Do: How to Plant A Seed: Gently naming Abuse 
By Tracy A. Malone
2025, 68 pages

 

In my work with parents of estranged adult children, I frequently hear of fully no-contact relationships that parents later realize began with what I call an adversarial influencer. Most often, that’s a romantic partner the parents see as manipulative and controlling; a person who works to isolate their adult child, rewrites their history, and makes the parents villains.

Sometimes, parents recognize what’s happening when there’s still some contact.  They see it, but their adult child may not. Efforts to point it out can be tricky. That’s the basis of Malone’s book and the promise of the title—not only for parents but for anyone whose loved one or friend is in a controlling, abusive relationship.

In five short chapters that could be easily read in one sitting, Malone offers practical information and advice. She begins with “How to Help,” a chapter that helps readers listen for statements that may be cues to speak up.  Caring acknowledgment of feelings can build trust and perhaps begin to pave an eventual pathway out of the abusive relationship. Malone provides similar examples of when not to speak, as well as advice about what could put the vulnerable person at risk or instill fear of your involvement instead of building trust.

Beyond understanding the basics of how abusive relationships develop, and how to spot and work with those rhythms rather than against them, Malone gets specific with situations. This is helpful for readers who can mark likely scenarios and easily turn to them if the opportunity to speak up arises. Malone provides possible scenarios and potential responses for you, the reader who wants to help.

Her suggestions are gentle, sometimes provocative, and always caring. The goal isn’t to label or direct but to help open the person’s eyes to what’s happening. As Malone says, your role is “…to be a safe place to land when they begin to question what’s happening to them.” Building trust takes patience and restraint. Staying calm isn’t an easy task when emotions run high because you care so much—but labels and criticism don’t land well with someone who is already feeling minimized by someone they love.

Chapters 4 and 5 round out the book with facts about coercive control and narcissistic abuse. The ending contains a message of hope for the loved one who is abused, and for you, the one who seeks to help. While Malone acknowledges that change doesn’t usually happen swiftly, your efforts aren’t wasted. Even if the person seems unreachable, Malone says your caring presence and words “can have a lasting effect.”

If you’re concerned about someone in a controlling relationship, this straightforward book avoids clinical jargon and sticks to its title message. Plus, it’s well-organized and easy to use.